Remember that time....

I cut my friend off in a photo once,
without realizing I was doing it -
stuck my big fat swimmer's arm out
and chopped her in half.
It's hilarious
How obnoxious I look...
and how happy I look to be feeling that way. Sorry 'bout it.

At swim practice, I tickled that same friend
during a pep talk at
5 am
(a fruitless effort
when delivered to shivering teenagers on Christmas break)
and the coach's head blew off:
An unfortunate side effect.
I didn't tickle anyone for a very long time;
post-coach-explosion-stress-disorder.

Once
I was at a swimming competition
and the water was so murky
that I couldn't see
not even one inch in front of me
so I whacked my face
into the wall
(just to make sure it was still there)
and got semi-permanent goggle marks around my eyes.
Probably karma in advance
for chopping my friend in half.

I accidentally set a trend
of pumpkin orange swim caps.
I'm so, so sorry.
Everyone else thought I was a trend setter,
but I was secretly
just buying the cheapest
swim cap I could find.

So I must confess
that most of the comedy
that I come up with,
really isn't comedy.
It's not pre-meditated,
it's not scripted,
it's just that
nothing ever goes the way I wish it to
and somehow everyone else finds that funny.